8 steps to surviving the apocalypse in Galway
Apparently the world is going to be plunged into chaos and horror on October 15 — as if that’s not already happening! Anyway, if you’e in Galway for the impending apocalypse, here’s what to do.
Doomsday theorist David Meade previously predicted that Earth would be smashed to bits by Planet X in September, but miraculously, that didn’t happen. He’s amended his prediction, according to the upstanding and very believable Mirror: now, instead of a direct collision, Planet X is bringing us seven years of trials and tribulations in the form of hurricanes, earthquakes, and fire, before our ultimate extinction. Fun! Thanks, David!
If you’re in Galway and you’re thinking, “Hmm, how should I prepare for this seven-year adventure?” Well, read on!
1. Bust into Supermac’s and stockpile your snack boxes
Planets on a collision course don’t care about the snackboxes. Who knows the next time you’ll get your hands on one?? The thought of the Earth burning up might not make you hungry now, but in six months when you’re still waiting around, you’ll thank us.
2. Hit up the Army Surplus Store
That’s assuming the streets aren’t flooded by tsunamis, or something.
Grab all the necessary survival gear. That includes military-grade coats and boots to survive the impending arctic temperatures, camo backpacks to look badass… You might also want to grab a few gas masks and emergency kits. It can’t hurt, and if you grab extra, well, you can probably use it for bartering in the post-apocalyptic market.
3. Get yourself a generator…. and grab the kettle
So the apocalypse will likely be no craic. Guess what’s going to be even worse? An apocalypse without a cup of tea.
It might not be top of your priority list while you’re fleeing a massive, completely unnatural tornado, or avoiding being impaled by space debris – but if you survive, you’ll be happy for a bitta Barry’s Gold at the end of it!
4. Pick your weapon of choice
We’re partial to a bottle, taped to a hurley, but there’s really room to get creative here. Let your imagination go wild. Once asteroids start crashing into Earth (did we mention that part?) it’ll probably be all-out chaos. If you want to defend those snack boxes you have piled up in the back of the skip you’re living in, you’ll need a good weapon.
5. Head to Connemara
Dublin’s probably been nuked to the ground, but luckily Ireland’s a non-threatening little place. The West is a fine place to be. We recommend that you try to escape to Connemara. There will be fewer people trying to steal your resources — probably because there are fewer resources up there — but, to your benefit, the zombies will have a harder time finding you. Plus, you’re above sea level. All good things in an apocalypse.
Find shelter. Keep warm. Ration out your tea bags. It will all be okay.
Or, alternatively, go for Athenry…
Apparently there are secret hidden tunnels beneath Athenry Castle — perfect for some end-of-days shelter. The weather can’t touch you there (unless the ground collapses) and if you took our advice and got gas masks, you’re safe from radiation poisoning. Probably.
Pros and cons: It would be cool to live under a castle. But, you might die in Athenry, of all places. Weigh it up.
6. Set sail for the Aran Islands
Sure, the tides may be rising, tsunamis are ripping across the oceans — but Galway is full of worthy sea farers!
Befriend them — maybe bribe them with Supermac’s — and get on a boat bound for Dun Aengus on Inis Mór. There’s a reason the folks of old built their fort there — because they were smarter than us, and ready for the apocalypse. The fort is awesome, and unless an earthquake shakes the cliff into the sea, you’ll probably be pretty safe.
7. Start hoarding the Buckfast now
The best preparation for the apocalypse is the preparation that starts at least five days in advance, right? Get as much Buckfast round you as you can. We’re not saying you co-opt a lorry, but…
There are plenty of ways you can use it. Make a molotov cocktail, to keep the looters away. Marinate a squirrel in it, for taste. Drink to forget that you have another seven years of this before the end. The options are endless!
8. Just head to the boozer
The Blue Note has a secret panic room aka Jimmy Mac’s bedroom — every 80s song ever released on cassette tape and like 40 bottles of Jaeger. What else does a person need?
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